They get to go out four days later. It’s a club that Minseok somehow has connections to and it gets them all in and a round of drinks for free. They’ve all been tense since the start of the week. Hours on end in the studio with little sleep and Kyungsoo yelling at them constantly to focus and get back in the booth. Now it was time to celebrate a week well done.
“I think,” Minseok starts as he takes a sip of his drink. “that Luhan should take his first line to celebrate.”
Luhan blinks, laughing as he sees Chanyeol grinning. “What a great idea.” Chanyeol lifts his hips up, pulling out one of the small colored bags he’s now all too familiar with.
“I- I don’t know how,” Luhan admits. It’s really a lie because he’s seen the others do it many times now.
Minseok smirks, head turning towards Sehun. “Sehunnie will teach you!” Luhan watches as Sehun’s lips curl down into a frown, mumbling that Sehunnie is not his name.
But Sehun scoots over towards Luhan, grabbing the bag from Chanyeol in the process. He grabs Luhan’s arm, holding it straight. Carefully, Sehun dumps out about half of the powder inside, letting it fall gently onto Luhan’s arm. Minseok is the one to hand him a card, the credit card actually. Luhan watches with deep breaths and focused eyes as Sehun pushes and pulls the powder until it makes a straight line.
“Now,” Sehun says as he moves Luhan’s arm so it’s straight under his face. “Hold your finger against one side of your nose and lean down and just breathe, hard.”
And Luhan does. It makes the back of his throat burn and it feels like he’s choking. He coughs, loudly but manages to finish the whole line. Sehun wraps his hands around Luhan’s neck, tilting his head back. “Swallow,” he whispers into his ear.
It doesn’t take long for the effects to kick in. Soon, everything is brighter and he can hear everything a lot clearer. Luhan smiles, leaning back against the couch, head tilted up at the ceiling, watching the way the multicolored lights turn on and off. His body feels like it’s nonexistent, so light and airy. Luhan closes his eyes, laughing to himself because he can’t believe he didn’t do this before.
When he opens his eyes, Chanyeol and Minseok are gone. Someone touches his hand and he turns to see Sehun staring at him. He’s dressed in leather again tonight. Tight pants and a plain white tee shirt. Luhan bites at his lip, eyes not being able to move from the heavy eyeliner around Sehun’s eyes that make him look amazing. Sehun laughs, hand reaching to cup Luhan’s cheek before he kisses him.
They stay like that for a bit. Luhan ends up on Sehun’s lap, arms around Sehun’s neck, elbows resting on the back of the couch. Sehun’s hands are holding onto Luhan’s ass, occasionally squeezing it and smacking it.
“I want you so bad,” Luhan whines against Sehun’s lips.
Sehun smirks, hands running around to cup Luhan’s crotch, making the smaller one moan out softly. “I know. I could tell for a while.”
Luhan pushes his hips down against Sehun’s, spreading his legs when he feels Sehun’s dick press up against him. “Then fuck me. C’mon, right here.”
For a minute, Luhan thinks Sehun is really going to fuck him right there on the couch in the middle of some club in New York City. It wouldn’t be totally unheard of since Luhan’s pretty sure he saw a couple fucking earlier on a couch across the room. Sehun doesn’t though. He wraps his arms around Luhan and picks him up. He carries him into the bathroom, pushing his way into a stall and turning around to press Luhan’s back against the door. His hands let Luhan down slowly before he back up, pushing the toilet cover down and sitting, eyes heavy, body leaned back, and legs spread.
Luhan doesn’t have to be told what to do. He’s not even sure what Sehun really wants at the moment but he kneels down in front of him. Luhan’s hands run up his thighs, loving the way the muscles twitch under his fingertips. Sehun’s cock is practically bursting out of his tight leather pants and Luhan grins as he unbuttons the pants and tugs them down. Sehun’s cock hits him against the cheek, making Luhan’s toes curl and a moan escape his lips. It’s big and if he was sober, Luhan knows he’d be slightly worried about taking it in both his mouth and ass. But in the state he was in right now, he was loving it.
Despite his relaxed muscles, he still can’t take all of Sehun in. He gets about three fourths of the way before his body refuses to take any more. Sehun doesn’t seem to mind though. His fingers are curled in Luhan’s hair and his hips are bucking up quickly as he lets out heavy moans.
“Shit,” he growls, tugging on Luhan’s hair so his head tilts up. “Knew you’d be able to take my cock well.”
Luhan pulls his mouth away, panting against the tip and spit dripping off of his lips. “I’ll take it better in my ass.”
Sehun’s the one to push Luhan’s pants off and tug him on his lap. He teases him by rubbing his cock between his cheeks, the tip always brushing against his hole. Luhan’s sure that Sehun would have kept doing that until one of them came but he grabs Sehun’s dick and lines it up with his entrance before pushing down. It’s a horrible burn and Luhan’s eyes go wide and his fingers dig into Sehun’s shoulders. The other only gets his cock half way in before he starts bucking his hips up at a fast pace.
It’s filthy and raw. The more Sehun fucks up into him, the more he relaxes and the more cock he can take. He’s got precum staining his lips and chin from the blowjob earlier. His hands are pressed against the wall behind the toilet, pinky in something brown and sticky. There’s people coming in and out and for a moment, Luhan isn’t sure if they’re even in the men’s bathroom. The sounds of Sehun’s cock thrusting in and out of his wet hole along with the slapping of his balls against his cheeks fills the room. Luhan’s moaning louder than Sehun and constantly, one after the other.
“Fuck,” Luhan chokes out, “Right there. Keep fucking me just like that...I’m gonna cum.”
Sehun grunts and nods, gripping Luhan’s hips as tight as he can and he angles his thrusts just like Luhan needs. Luhan’s legs start trembling and he can no longer bounce along with Sehun. His hands slide down the wall and push their way into Sehun’s hair, tugging on it as he lets out a scream. The second white starts to land on Sehun’s chest, the other pushes his cock in all the way, balls pressed up against Luhan’s cheeks. He feels and hears Sehun cumming, his moan long and deep while his cock throbs.
They get themselves a cab and the time reads just after two in the morning. Sehun’s fingers are tapping their way up Luhan’s leg, smirking as the other stares back at him. They don’t make it halfway home before they start making out. Sehun’s got his hand in Luhan’s pants that had never been buttoned up. Fingers thrusting in and out of his hole as he swallows Luhan’s moans. Luhan’s got his hand on Sehun’s dick, fingers wrapped around it and wrist flicking up and down as best as he can.
It’s a struggle to get into the hotel and by the time they’re on the elevator, Sehun’s got his dick buried in Luhan’s ass. Luhan leans his head back, moaning loudly as Sehun tugs on his hair. Luhan can’t even see straight anymore. He’s dizzy from the alcohol and the drugs in him don’t make it any better. It’s exhilarating though. There’s something about not having complete control of things that’s nice. He sees stars, actual stars, when he cums, not those fake ones people think they see, they’re real. They sparkle along in his eyes and when he turns to look at Sehun, he’s got stars on him too. Luhan thinks he says something along the lines of “you look like a sparkly galaxy,” before Sehun picks him up and carries him out of the elevator, cock still buried in him.
There’s loud music playing in the room and for a second, Luhan thinks he’s back at the club. Chanyeol is seated on the couch, a pair of pretty girls at both his sides. They’re dressed in skimpy outfits that look sort of like bikinis but Luhan can’t really see nor does he really care. Minseok is kneeled on the floor, mouth attached to a girl’s stomach, tongue licking at a clear liquid that’s just above her belly button. He hears Chanyeol scream his name and begin cheering. Luhan fades in and out, the music sounding stuttered and rough. Sehun begins thrusting a bit and he almost slips out of his arms.
He comes to a little later to find himself on the table that one of those tall girls was lying on. Sehun’s got his nose pressed up his chest, snorting another line of coke off of his skin. The music is still loud and Luhan tilts his head, looking at the large window to see the sun peeking out behind the tall buildings. The music is still blaring, he feels Sehun push into him again, and then he closes his eyes.
Luhan wakes up to cold water falling down on him. He gasps, coughing as some of it gets in his mouth. His eyes open and his body curls into itself to try and hide from the cold water. He can’t move much though. His head is killing him and his body is sore as shit. Luhan groans, opting for sliding down and pressing against the tile.
“Get up. I have to wash you.”
It’s Sehun’s voice that comes from nearby. Sehun’s standing above him, naked. Luhan feels his cheeks heating up and he wishes he had the strength to turn away and bury his face in the wall.
“Come on,” the other sighs, leaning down to help Luhan up. “You smell like shit, you have puke in your hair, and you look terrible. Let me help.”
Luhan’s cheeks don’t turn back to normal color the whole time Sehun spends washing him. Some of it’s because of how ridiculous he looks. Some because he can’t really remember anything from last night but Sehun clearly does. And some because Sehun is naked in front of him and he’s sort of developed a little crush.
“How come you don’t look like this?” Luhan asks as Sehun helps him back into the bedroom, a cigarette between the other’s lips.
“I’m used to it. Doesn’t affect me as much.”
Sehun helps him get dressed. They share kisses every once in a while and oh, Luhan thinks, something must have happened last night. It makes his heart flutter and he can’t help the little smile that pulls his lips up. Sehun watches him, leaning against the wall as he smokes another cigarette, a gentle laugh escaping with some smoke.
Luhan laughs, covering his mouth with the back of his hand. “Did we...you know?”
“Mm,” Sehun nods, taking another drag of his cigarette. “A couple times. You have great stamina apparently.”
Oh god, Luhan thinks to himself, teeth biting down on his bottom lip. He’s not a virgin, nor was he, but he wasn’t one to sleep around randomly. Though Sehun isn’t truly a random person, it’s only been about two weeks since he’s met the other. It’s sooner than Luhan’s morals had ever allowed. But he’s done a lot of things in the short time that go against what he normally would think. Yet he’s having more fun than he’s had in years. The excitement of not being confined to his strict schedule every day is more than he thought. There’s no boss down his throat about his tie being too crooked. No co workers stomping in heels and taking all the chairs up in the break room. No eight to four job of staring at a computer and making copies of things he didn’t really understand. It was new. It was unpredictable. It was living life.
“Can we,” Luhan blushes but only for a second, “can we do it again? I want to remember it.”
It’s cheesy and probably too romantic for what they are but Sehun doesn’t seem to mind. The other rubs his cigarette out in the ashtray, blowing the smoke that was caught in his cheeks out before sliding on the bed and on top of Luhan. His body hovers over his and Luhan wraps his arms around Sehun’s shoulders, pulling him down for a kiss.
Sehun is rough and Luhan loves it. He takes him on his back, eyes looking at each other and foreheads pressed against one another. Sehun thrusts hard. He grips Luhan’s hips tightly as Luhan holds onto the headboard, fingers digging into the wood.
“You’re taking my cock even better than you did last night,” Sehun whispers against his ear heavily, “loose and really fucking wet.”
Luhan cheeks blush heavy at the words. He moans out loudly, arms going down to grip at Sehun’s shoulders, pulling him closer. “Please,” he says softly, “god, please go harder.”
It doesn’t take much longer for Luhan to come. Sehun pounds into him fast and deep, balls smacking against Luhan’s cheeks faster than he thought possible. His head tilts back and his eyes squeeze shut, pushing out tears of pleasure when he cums. Sehun grabs Luhan’s hips, tugging them up and pushing his thighs against his chest, folding Luhan in half. He pushes his cock in all the way and cums, lips pressed against Luhan’s and their hands intertwined.
Months go by and Luhan falls deeper and deeper into the lifestyle he’s started. He doesn’t hesitate taking lines anymore. He’s not addicted though, no. He can go days without it and has. He takes it more for fun rather than out of stress. It loosens him up and lets him do the things he would be too afraid to do if he were sober.
Soon he sees what Sehun means about it not affecting him as much. The more he takes, the less he gets of the beautiful colors and light feelings. He doesn’t see stars anymore and he can remember what happens. it calms him down, making him feel as though he’s just existing.
Sehun doesn’t drift away. He stays by Luhan’s side. They don’t do many romantic things. There’s no dates out to dinner or to the movies. Sehun always buys him what he wants though. ‘Anything you desire, I’ll buy it, darling,’ he would slur into his ear as they walk through Times Square. And he did. Luhan’s collections of things quickly grew to more clothing, expensive jewelry, sunglasses, bags, even furniture. Whenever Luhan would point to something, Sehun would grab it and Luhan would have it in seconds.
They fuck often, almost every day. Most of the time it’s Sehun that initiates it. He’ll come up behind Luhan and grab his ass, pressing his erection between his cheeks. Or he’ll push Luhan against a wall and kiss him until he’s breathless and his pupils are dark with desire. Luhan starts it occasionally. Most of the times, it’s when he’s sober. He’ll wrap his arms around Sehun’s waist, pressing his face against his chest and mumbles that he wants to fuck. And every time, he ends up blissed out after several hours, Sehun by his side smoking and the words ‘I love you’ lingering in the back of his throat.
They’re left alone in the hotel room on a Tuesday night. Luhan’s lying on the bed, blanket covering the bottom half of his naked body. Sehun’s sitting up, lips curled around a cigarette that’s already half way gone. A thick feeling fills the room, both from the cigarette smoke and the smell of sex.
“Sehun,” Luhan says after he comes down from his high. The other one hums, tilting his head so he looks down at Luhan. “I really like this.”
Sehun nods, tapping the cigarette against the side of the ashtray. “Me too,” he says with a small laugh. Sehun stretches his arms out, pushing the cigarette back in his mouth before sliding off of the bed. “Want anything from the kitchen?”
Luhan shakes his head, smiling as he lets his eyes trail down Sehun’s naked body, letting his mind take in that he’s the one that gets to touch it. He thinks maybe he’ll get the courage to ask Sehun to be his boyfriend. It’s something that can’t even come out of his mouth when he’s high.
“Alright, boys,” Kyungsoo says through the speaker. His voice is low and a little deeper than usual through the headphones and Luhan has to press them to his ears to hear him properly. “This is the last song and then it’s just editing from there. Are you ready?”
Chanyeol is the one to shout, causing the others to laugh. Minseok jumps in the air a few times, shaking his arms and strumming a pretty chord. Luhan turns to look at Sehun, a bright smile on his face. Sehun smiles back, patting the other’s cheek.
The excitement that was in him when the first started recording is running through his system. It mixes with the bit of alcohol and weed in his blood, making his fingers twitch and his cheeks hurt from smiling. It was hard for him to keep his smile under control as he sang. Kyungsoo had to stop them several times because Luhan couldn’t hit the notes properly with the way his lips were shaped.
When he finally hits the last note, and perfectly at that, he waits to get Kyungsoo’s thumbs up before he pulls the headphones off. His hands curl around Sehun’s neck and pulls him down, kissing him hard. Sehun laughs against his lips, arms wrapping around his waist.
“Holy fuck I can’t believe we just recorded an album,” he breathes against Sehun’s lips. “This is...this is so amazing. We’ve worked so hard and now it’s finally done.”
“Good work, Lu,” Minseok says as he pats him on the back, making Sehun pull away slowly. “You’re a really great part of this band, you know.”
“I wasn’t so sure at first but you’ve proved yourself.” Chanyeol adds, ruffling Luhan’s hair. “Let’s go eat and then celebrate.”
“Wait,” Sehun says, setting his guitar down and digging in his back pocket. “I have something that might help us.” He pulls out a bag, not quite as small as the colorful ones but still small, filled with pretty blue pills.
Luhan learns very quickly that those pills are like super drugs. All the tiredness from long days is completely gone. It feels like he’s just gotten the best sleep in his life and he can take on the world. He’s got a permanent grin on his face when they enter the club after stopping at a fast food place. It’s so loud that Luhan thinks his heart is going to explode but it doesn’t bother him. It’s not particularly hotter than outside, yet his body is shining with a thin layer of sweat and his mouth feels slightly dry.
Chanyeol and Sehun are the ones to go get them drinks while Minseok and Luhan settle down on the usual couch. Luhan can’t stop moving, his fingers twitching and his feet tapping against the floor.
“Dude, chill out,” Minseok says with a laugh.
“Minseok,” Luhan says, grabbing the other’s face and pulls it closer. “Today’s the day.”
The other scrunches his nose up and tilts his head. “The day for what?”
“I’m gonna confess to Sehun.”
Minseok parts his lips, grabbing Luhan’s hands and pulls them away. “Lu, I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
Luhan shakes his head quickly, smiling as he rubs his face with his hands. “No! No, it is a good idea. Minseok, he loves me, I just know it.” Luhan stands up quickly, hand holding at the back of the couch to catch his balance. “I need to go make sure I look okay.”
He ignores Minseok’s call for him to come back and makes his way to the bathroom. It’s just as filthy and broken down as the other times he’s come in, only this time, it’s just him and not Sehun shoving his tongue down his throat and pulling him into a stall. Luhan waits until his eyes focus on his reflection before he starts adjusting his hair. It’s now a bright blonde, the only sign of his natural black hair in the roots where it’s growing in slightly. His cheeks are sunken in a bit, jaw more defined, and dark circles under his eyes. The baby face he once had months ago was withering away slowly. He looked more like his age of twenty five, probably older on bad days.
His fingers fall when he hears the door being pushed open. He tries his best not to look but the sound of moaning and kissing is what makes his head turn. Luhan feels his heart drop out of his chest and into the floor, most likely all the way to the core of the earth. He sees Sehun. Arms wrapped around Chanyeol and body being pushed backwards until they bump against the stalls.
“What the fuck!” Luhan screeches. He makes his way over to the two boys, pushing Chanyeol off of Sehun and pushing him against the wall. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
Chanyeol scoffs, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. “What are you doing? I’m just trying to have some fun.”
“You can go have some goddamn fun with another person! Sehun’s mine so I don’t know what gave you the idea that you can just-”
“Excuse me?” Chanyeol grits out. He laughs, leaning his head back and points at Sehun. “Then explain to me why he came up to me and asked to be fucked?” Chanyeol shakes his head. “Don’t know why you think you can just claim him. You never had a problem before.”
Luhan doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t understand what’s happening and his heart is racing so fast, he feels his whole body vibrating. The fluorescent lights in the bathroom are overwhelmingly bright all of the sudden and it’s hard to see anything. There’s a weird water dripping noise that makes him shudder every time it drops. What the fuck is going on?
“What the fuck is he talking about?” Luhan says. He aims the question at Sehun but his eyes are trained on the dirty tiles under his feet. “Have you been sleeping with other people?”
This time, Luhan turns his head and looks at Sehun. His eyes are hooded and his breathing is still labored. His black hair is pushed back, sticking with the sweat covering his body. His tank top is up to his chest, only staying on due to the shiny layer of moisture.
“I thought you knew,” he says.
Luhan doesn’t know what his mind wants him to think. All the memories of the times they’ve spent together come rushing back to him. The long nights where it would just be them until the sun rose. Fucking, drinking, smoking, anything filthy that they could find. The touches and closeness that Sehun would have with him whenever they went out together. The things he bought for him, whatever and whenever. What the hell did he mean ‘I thought you knew?’
“But you’ve always been with me. We spend so much time together.” Luhan sputters out, fingers gripping at his tank top.
“Look,” Sehun says, pushing his hair back as he shakes his head. “Maybe you’ve just been too high all the time to realize but I do that with everyone.”
That hurts. Those words hurt and Luhan lets his face contort in anger. “I’m not fucking high all the time.”
Sehun laughs. “Are you kidding me? Luhan you’re fucking always jacked up on something. It might not be crack all the time but you’re either drunk or high the whole time you’re awake. Jesus Christ, just look at yourself. You look like you’re fucking fifty years old and are going to die.”
His lungs feel like they’ve stopped working at that point. He gasps for air and his body leans against the wall. He shakes his head because no, no, no, no! That’s not right. He’s not that type of person. Luhan was good. He did his job well and he was kind and he never caused any trouble. He wasn’t some kind of drug addict. He wasn’t one of those rock and roll stars he sees on TV in sad documentaries about how they fucked their lives up. Luhan was a good boy.
“I just-” he chokes out, tears pushing off of the bottom lids of his eyes. “I love you.”
Sehun sucks in a breath, one that Luhan can both hear and see. The other shakes his head, tugging his tank top down so it’s on properly. “I’m sorry,” he says quietly, “it’s not like that. I don’t love you.” Sehun walks past him, the smell of his cologne heavy against his face. “You’ve just always been there when I needed release.”
Minseok is the one to come get Luhan out of the bathroom. Luhan doesn’t know how long it’s been since Sehun’s left but he doesn’t really care. He’s curled up on the floor under the sinks, the smell of mold and rancid water wrapping around his nose. He’s watched as men have come in and out. Some make it quick while others drag women in, ignoring Luhan on the floor and muttering a ‘don’t worry about that.’
He doesn’t say anything as Minseok carries him out of the bathroom. The other is soothing and he rubs his back, sighing at how dirty Luhan is. “I told you,” he says sadly, “it wasn’t a good idea.”
Luhan pushes Minseok away with teary eyes. He bites at his lip and shakes his head. “Did you...”
Minseok parts his lips, frowning as he puts on Luhan’s seatbelt in the cab. “We all did.”
He wakes to the sound of something banging against the wall. Luhan slides out of the bed and stumbles his way out of the bedroom, biting his lip as he looks around to see what’s causing the sound. He narrows it down to the other bedroom and with annoyance, he pushes open the door.
Luhan doesn’t know what he was expecting, honestly. But what he got was Sehun’s bare ass as he pounded into some blonde girl that looks like she came out of a porn video. Luhan fingers twitch against the doorknob and he realizes that they don’t know he’s standing there. He doesn’t have the strength to do anything but close the door and crawl back into bed, shamelessly wrapping his arms around the pillow that Sehun uses.
The air is thick and unpleasant the next days. Minseok is the only one that talks to Luhan. Even though Luhan’s mentioned several times that he’s mad at the other, Minseok still makes an effort to talk to him. Chanyeol avoids all eye contact with him, mostly focusing on Sehun. Minseok tells him that Chanyeol is just protective of Sehun because he’s the youngest and oh, Luhan realizes that he didn’t even know Sehun was the youngest one.
There’s a lot of things Luhan realizes he doesn’t know about Sehun. All of their interactions have been in bed, moaning out each other’s names as they get taken over by pleasure. Or they’re taking lines off of one another or blunts from each other’s mouths. Even the times they would go out to get food together, Luhan’s always had something in him. But even with all that, there was still something tugging on his heart that told him that he really did like Sehun, fucking love him at that.
On February 1st, Luhan decides to call Jongin. His fingers tremble as he presses the phone up to his ear, not quite sure how his friend is going to react to him calling. It’s been so long and Luhan’s departure wasn’t all that pleasant.
Luhan sucks in a breath, pressing his back against the bed more, heels digging into the carpet. “Hey Jongin, it’s Luhan.”
“Luhan? Holy shit, how have you been?” Jongin gasps and laughs quietly, his voice suddenly a lot quieter. “Sorry, forgot I was still in the office.”
He laughs, knowing that Jongin seemed to always raise his voice louder than sociably acceptable in an office full of busy people. “I’m...” Luhan smiles softly to himself, fingers playing with the stray strands of carpet under him. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“How’s the band thing going? By the way! I listened to some of their songs, the ones before you got taken away, and they’re pretty cool.”
Luhan smiles, biting at his bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth before letting it pop out slowly. “It’s good. We’re releasing the album next week so be sure to listen.”
They talk for about an hour. Jongin asks about New York and Luhan tells him that he’ll buy him a ticket to come visit him soon. They joke about the things they used to do when they worked together and Jongin assures him that Yixing isn’t any better, in a very soft voice and he even goes to the supply closet to tell him. Luhan bursts out laughing, the first time he’s truly laughed in a few weeks.
Their conversation ends when Sehun walks in the bedroom. Luhan whispers that he’ll text Jongin on the details of when he should come up and wishes him good luck for the rest of the work day before hanging up. Luhan watches as Sehun lays down on the bed, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up, sucking in long and letting the smoke out slowly.
Luhan stays quiet, fingers playing at his shirt until he can’t stand it anymore. He pushes himself up and turns around to face Sehun. His lips part and his breathing is shaky. “Do you love Chanyeol?”
Sehun scrunches his face up, taking another drag of the cigarette as he shakes his head. “No.”
Sehun clicks his tongue, head tilting to glare at Luhan. “I’m not in love with anyone so you can stop naming people.”
“Then why don’t you love me?”
It comes out faster and more desperate than Luhan had intended it to. His voice is laced with sorrow and he feels his cheeks heat up at the way he’s asked the question. It’s a painful amount of time before Sehun answers him.
“I just don’t. I don’t really know why so I don’t know what to tell you.”
Luhan feels the tears building up at the corners of his eyes. His fingers rub them away quickly, not wanting Sehun to see him crying. That would be the worst of the worst. Worse than seeing him completely maxed out on drugs. Worse than seeing him vomit on his own body and all over his own. Worse than the way he gets disgustingly slutty when he’s getting fucked by Sehun. The worst because Luhan would actually remember this moment.
“I think I should leave.” Luhan watches as Sehun shrugs, fingers squishing the cigarette out in the ashtray. “I mean the band.”
Sehun raises his eyebrows, he sighs, fingers rubbing at his forehead. “Are you fucking serious?”
Luhan furrows his brows, arms crossing in front of his chest. “Well, it doesn’t seem like any of you want me here anymore. Maybe it’s just better if I try and go get my job back.”
The other pushes himself off the bed and takes large steps over to Luhan. His eyes peer down at him, lips curled down into anger. “You’re really going to quit the band because I don’t fucking love you? You’re going to throw these months of hard work away because one person, one person in the whole goddamn world doesn’t love you?” Sehun runs his hand through his hair, groaning as he leans his head back. “Don’t fuck us over, Luhan.” The other shakes his head before walking towards the door. He pauses, fingers lingering on the knob as he takes a breath. “And don’t fuck yourself over. You’ve got a lot of talent that will be wasted if you go back to that job.”
Luhan realizes that Sehun really doesn’t love him. Not in a romantic way at least.
“Trust me,” Minseok says as they open their beers together one night. “He loves us all. As friends and bandmates. Sehun’s always taken care of us, even though he’s the youngest.”
“Has he loved anyone before?”
Minseok purses his lips, finger tapping against the beer can. “I’m not sure. I don’t think so since we all got together he has. It’s really only been us four and occasionally random girls or guys but none of us ever see them again.”
Luhan stretches his legs out, heels bumping at the edge of the coffee table. “What about before the band?”
Minseok shakes his head and takes a sip of the beer. “I don’t know. He never really told us much.”
He nods, teeth digging into his bottom lip before the can presses against it. It wasn’t his place to try and pry around in Sehun’s life. Maybe there wasn’t any horrible partner in the past that made Sehun untrusting of love. Maybe he just really didn’t love him. Luhan can’t help the sigh that escapes into the beer can. Searching for answers that weren’t there wasn’t worth it.
The album is a huge success and over night, Luhan finds himself gaining a large amount of fans. Kyungsoo arrives at the hotel in the morning with a large breakfast and numbers regarding the success of their album already. Hundreds of thousands of downloads, thousands of bought CDs, fan pages, reaction videos on YouTube, everything. It makes Luhan smile when he sees that he has his own fan page, complete with art, random pictures that people have taken while he’s been out with the others, signs made out of pretty colored paper. It was something else.
They spend hours with each other. Planning and discussing new tour dates and where would be best. They discuss on new merchandise and Chanyeol even draws out some of his tee shirt ideas. Minseok calls Baekhyun and asks how he’s doing. It wasn’t the first time they had all talked with him but it was the first since the album was released. Baekhyun tells Minseok that he’s doing well and that he went home to Korea to stay with his parents. Minseok says that Baekhyun thinks Luhan’s doing great but a part of Luhan isn’t sure that’s really what he said. He still feels bad that he took Baekhyun’s spot the way he did.
It still doesn’t hit Luhan how all the hard work they did for months is finally over and now it was time to tour the world and enjoy.
Sehun sits next to him in the van on their way to the first tour spot. There’s still the awkwardness between them and Luhan can feel it even with weed running through him. He tries his best not to look at Sehun, keeping his eyes on the road as they drive. It isn’t very far, just on the other side of the city in Brooklyn. It seems like forever, especially with the way Luhan can see Sehun’s reflection staring at him in the window.
Luhan takes a bigger line than usual backstage. His throat burns and he coughs for minutes to the point where his chest hurts. It scares him because he knows he’s not taking it for fun anymore. It’s so the tension between them all can go away, at least on his part.
“Hello Brooklyn!” He screams into the mic after their first song. “My name is Luhan and I’m so excited to be up on stage here with everyone. We’ve all been working really fucking hard and I know you’re gonna love it!”
The amount of people in front of him is unreal. They’re in a large stadium, filled to the brim with teenage girls and boys. There’s some older people, mostly mid twenties and of course the dads of those loud teenagers. If Luhan was sober, he’d wonder if their parents knew all the drugs they did. All the sex and filth that they put themselves through. The times where they go backstage to puke because of too many beers or a little too much drugs and not enough water. He would wonder if they knew that they pick up hookers sometimes, not Luhan personally but the others. How they temporarily lose all their morals and probably make their mothers cry at night because of it.
During their intermission, Luhan pushes Sehun down on the couch in their dressing room. He presses his lips against his and demands the other to fuck him. It’s a horrible thing to do because even high, he can still feel that little pinch in his heart the whole time Sehun’s buried in him. Sehun doesn’t pull out like he used to when they fucked between songs. He pushes in more, as far as his cock will go as he cums. It’s hot and sticky and it makes Luhan feel just as dirty as he looks. Sehun lights up a cigarette as Luhan slides off of him and tugs his pants back on.
“Hurry up and finish your smoke, we’re back on soon,” he says as he looks in the mirror to fix his clothes.
June is when they finally make it back to Philly. Luhan stares out the window as they enter the city, a gentle smile on his lips. He wonders if he should stop by his old apartment and see how his roommate is doing. Not that the other truly cared about how Luhan was doing. He never did text back much when Luhan would ask him if there was anything he needed or simply how he was doing. If he did text back, it was a one word answer that left him pursing his lips.
They check into the hotel and the first thing Luhan does is mention that he’s going to go see an old friend, Jongin to be specific. They allow him and he’s grateful, knowing that they could be practicing or even making a plan for tonight’s show. Luhan makes his way through the city to a cafe he knows too well.
It’s still the same as it was a year or so ago. Still the same wooden texture walls with big windows and bar seating. Still the same barista he always used to order his large Americano with two extra shots and a pump of caramel apple. He sighs, settling down at a small table in the corner where there aren’t many people. His fingers tap against the table, phone next to them and eyes watching for when Jongin texts him.
Instead of his phone lighting up, he sees hands slide across the table and he hears the chair moves. Luhan looks up, smiling softly at Jongin’s face.
“Holy shit,” Jongin says with a breath, “Lu...what...” there’s a pause and Luhan’s smile drops, “what happened to you? You look terrible.”
Luhan chuckles. It’s not funny in any way but he too has just realized how horrible he looks. Sunken eyes and cheeks. He’s got pimples, which he never has had in over ten years. His hair has lost it’s shine and there’s more split ends than ever. His fingers constantly shake and he finds himself sniffling more often than not.
“I’m fine. Just the stress.” And the drugs. And the alcohol. And the long nights. And the heartbreak. But he was fine, he really was. In some ways at least. “How are you?” Luhan says with a smile, hand putting his phone back in his pocket.
“I’ve been great. I got a promotion the other day. Now I get my own office on the sixth floor.” Jongin sticks his tongue out and they both laugh. “But dude, I seriously miss you. The office has been so boring without you. No one has any fun, you know?” Jongin puffs his cheeks out, leaning back in his chair. “It’s good that you’re doing this though. I know it’s really what you wanted and you’re really talented.”
Luhan wants to tell him that it’s not all he expected. There’s not a night where they don’t go out and get trashed. He always has the option of saying no, none of them ever pressuring him to come with them. But now it’s become a need. He wishes he could tell Jongin how many times he’s ended up in the middle of New York City alone with no money or no directions to get him home. How many times Sehun, Chanyeol, or Minseok have had to come peel him off the street when he was stuck to it with his own vomit. If he told him all that, he would still tell him that he loved it. Luhan did. Despite all the shit and fucked up nights, he was having fun. Maybe not as much as he used to but he was still singing. Still performing in front of other people and still living his dream.
Jongin buys him coffee. He buys him the large Americano with two extra shots and a pump of caramel apple. Luhan’s thankful that Jongin still cares about him. Still thinks of him as a friend and still promises to keep in touch. Jongin was really the only friend he’s had for a while. Not even his old roommate counted as a friend.
“I’ll see you tonight at the show, yeah? Maybe we can get a beer or something after too.” Jongin says as they stand outside. “I’m excited to see you perform. All those videos online probably don’t do you justice.”
Luhan nods with a smile, watching as Jongin walks down the sidewalk, the office building standing tall not too far away. He wonders if Yixing is still mad at him. Wonders if sometime down the line he’d ever take him back, you know, if things don’t work out with the band. He thinks about texting him, telling him he’s truly sorry and that he hopes things are well. But his fingers only move to wrap around his cup.
“Luhan, change your pants. Those ones are too boring.” Chanyeol says, smoke between his lips. He sighs as he pushes a bobby pin in Minseok’s hair, eyes concentrated hard at his fingers.
He looks down at the khaki pants that hug his thighs tightly. Luhan nods, walking into one of the bedrooms and throwing around dirty clothing until he finds his favorite pair of leather pants. They hug his ass tight and make his crotch look more than well.
“Are you happy to be back in your hometown?”
Luhan tilts his head to see Sehun leaning against the wall. He sighs and pushes his hair back, shrugging as he grabs Sehun’s pack of cigarettes off the bed. “I don’t know. Not really my home anymore so.” He reaches for the lighter on the nightstand, lighting up the cigarette as he presses it between his lips.
Sehun scrunches his nose up, folding his arms across his chest. “You don’t smoke.”
“Yeah well, tonight’s different. I think I’m gonna skip the usuals.”
“It’s cause your friend is coming, right?” Sehun pushes himself off of the wall and walks over to pick up the pack of cigarettes on the bed. “Guessing you didn’t tell him about it and you don’t want him to be worried.”
God, Luhan thinks as he sucks in a breath. Sehun knows exactly how he’s feeling and he wants nothing more to let the breakdown that’s been harboring inside him come out. He wants to cry for a good hour and let all his frustrations and anger out. He just wants to be held. Wants to be told he hasn’t completely gone down the shit hole.
Luhan thinks it’s all going to come out when he looks at Sehun, watching the way his lips purse as he blows out the smoke. Sehun looks at him. He sets down the smoke in the ashtray and slides onto the bed. He lays down, head tilting up to look at the ceiling and Luhan stands quietly to the side.
“I’m sorry I hurt you,” Sehun says when he closes his eyes. “I didn’t know you were in love with me.” His fingers press at his forehead, pinching it gently before he sighs. “To be honest, I didn’t think you were going to last. You were so innocent and you were just so proper. Not in the stuck up way but the way you live. I thought you were going to leave and that would be that.” Sehun opens his eyes, biting at his lip and grabbing his cigarette. “But you stuck around.”
Sehun tells him that Baekhyun didn’t leave because he wanted a break. He tells him that he left because he went down the shit hole and couldn’t come out. He was the one that would leave and not come back for days and when he did come back, he’d be fucked up beyond belief and they had to spend hours fixing him.
Sehun tells him that Baekhyun was the one to bring the drugs into the band. They started off harmlessly with weed and occasional LSD. Then it turned to cocaine and ecstasy. Then there were the drugs that only Baekhyun had to himself. Sehun laughs and pushes his cigarette out in the ashtray.
“Once you start, it’s really fucking hard to stop. We just kept doing it because it worked. It’s what gave us our confidence and what gave us our music. Then people started expecting the kind of sounds and energy that we could give. It just became us. Maybe that’s why I was so skeptical of you at first. Worried you would try and change us. It might be fucked up how we do things. We might be fucked up, but that’s just how we are now.” Sehun leans his head back, tilting it ever slightly so his eyes look at Luhan. “Maybe that’s why I can’t love you. I’m too fucked up in my own world.”
Luhan doesn’t know why but his head leans against Sehun’s shoulder. His eyes close and he lets himself just relax against him. They don’t talk anymore. They don’t move or even make noises. It’s calming when for the last year, the world’s been spinning every time Luhan stops and takes a breath.
He finds it harder than usual to concentrate on stage. His mind is constantly wandering. Wondering if he’s doing a good job or not. Were his hands shaking too much from the lack of drugs in his system? Did his eyes look too wide to be okay? It doesn’t help when he sees Jongin a little off to the right. He gives Luhan a wave and yells something that looks like ‘You’re doing great!’
Chanyeol pulls him aside after the fourth song, gripping his shoulders. “Hey, what the fuck is up? You’re not hitting all of your notes like you usually do.”
Luhan shakes his head, hands pushing at Chanyeol’s arms. “I’m fine,” he breathes out. “I just need some air.”
The night air doesn’t help him at all. It only makes him more anxious. He’s paranoid that he looks like a freak. His hands run their way through his hair at least five times in the few minutes he’s been standing there. He wants to run inside and grab Minseok’s bag of crack that he’s got hidden in his jacket pocket. It takes a few deep breaths and a shaking of the head for him to stay grounded. There was no way he could let Jongin see him when he was high. He didn’t want him to know about it. He didn’t want him to know all horrible things that he’s become.
Minseok is the one to come out and help him back inside. He calms him down with his hands on his cheeks and soft whispers that everything’s okay.
For the first time in a while, Luhan wakes up without a pounding headache and a sore body. He remembers the night before and he doesn’t smell like alcohol or vomit. It’s comfortable to be able to walk out of the room and his throat doesn’t burn when he gulps down water from the fridge.
It’s only just past dawn, the sky still a gentle haze of blue. He pulls on the closest pair of clothes and brushes his hair so it doesn’t look as terrible. His hands grab at the spare cash he’s been keeping for months and head out of the room. The air is crisp and there’s a wind that makes him shudder. He puts a hand on his hair to stop it from fluttering against his forehead as he walks.
There’s no one in the cafe when he steps in. The workers are still putting down chairs out in the lobby and he can smell pastries being baked in the oven. Luhan sucks in a breath, his stomach rumbling slightly. He takes his time walking over to the counter, wanting to give the girl as much time as he can to do whatever she’s busy doing over to the left. He waits until she comes jogging over with an apologetic look on her face.
“Hey,” she says as she fixes the papers next to her. “You look familiar. Wait! You’re the one that gets the large Americano, two extra shots-”
“And a pump of caramel apple,” he finishes her sentence with a smile. “That’s me.”
“I haven’t seen you in forever! But your one friend that you used to come in here all the time with said you became a rock star.” She laughs, tongue sticking out as she writes the code for his drink on the paper cup. “How awesome is that.”
Luhan doesn’t know if it’s an actual question or not so he chooses to laugh and smile softly, card tapping on the edge of the counter until she holds her hand out and tells him the price. He waits with his hands shoved in his back pockets as his drink is being made. He tilts his head as he sees a familiar worker from the old office come in. They make eye contact and she simply gives him a little nod. Luhan sighs to himself, head tilting down to look at his feet that are wiggling against the ground.
The sun is fully up when he gets to the tiny beach of the river. He doesn’t hold his bangs down as the wind blows, pushing them up in all different directions. Luhan sips on his coffee slowly, enjoying the way it warms the back of his throat. He takes his time sitting down on the pebbles that were once underneath his feet. There aren’t any waves but he can hear the sound of the water bumping into each other and against the rocks.
“Tiny waves, rolling along the current in time with the clouds,” Luhan hums quietly to himself. “Pretty sparkles make home between the strands of blue and black.” He stretches his legs out, tapping his fingers against his leg as he sings. “Da da.. da da. Calm breezes make calm minds in the morning.”
“That doesn’t sound like one of our songs,” a voice says from behind him.
Luhan turns around quickly, head tilting up to see a figure walking towards him. “Baekhyun,” he breathes, hands pushing himself up so he stands. “What are you doing here?”
“I thought they told you,” he says with a laugh. “I come here every time I’m here.”
Luhan swallows, not knowing what to say. He never got a chance to become close to Baekhyun, his departure only days after Luhan met him. The other looks much healthier than he did the last time he saw him. He’s put on weight but in a good way, a way that makes him look good and not like he’s on the verge of dying. Luhan suddenly feels like they’ve switch places and he’s almost ashamed.
“It was the only place I could really think too.” He says as he smiles, patting Luhan’s back gently. “I don’t know what they told you was the reason but that’s why I came here. It’s calming and it really gave me time to think about things.”
“Then why were you in the water?” Luhan says, fingers gripping at his cup that’s now cool against his skin.
“When you’re finally given air to breathe and space to think, a lot of stuff comes out. It was hard to believe how fucked up I had gotten. When you’re fucked up as bad as I was, death doesn’t seem scary.”
Luhan doesn’t say anything for a while. He watches as Baekhyun settles down against the pebbles. It takes a few minutes for Luhan to do the same but he does, setting the cup down next to him.
“Why did you come back?” Luhan says after cars started becoming more common behind them on the road.
Baekhyun hums, leaning back on his hands and stretches his legs out. “To see you guys of course. I have to admit, you’re doing a better job that I could have ever done. Your singing is amazing.”
Luhan sucks in a breath, feeling his cheeks heat up a bit as he takes in the compliment. “Do you think you’d ever want to come back?”
“No,” he says as he laughs, crossing a leg over the other. “Absolutely not.”
Luhan can’t help but furrow his brows, biting at his bottom lip as he tilts his head, eyes meeting with Baekhyun’s profile. “Why not?”
The other sits up, rubbing his hands together to rid of the little pebbles that have gotten stuck in his palms. “The lifestyle is too rough. Way too much stress and drugs.”
“But, it doesn’t have to be like that, right? There’s plenty of bands that don’t get wrapped up in drugs.”
“It’s funny you say that,” he says with a sigh. “Especially you.”
Luhan’s lips part and he frowns, looking down at his lap. “Sorry,” he mumbles, realizing that he truly isn’t in the place to say such a thing. Especially not when he’s the worst out of all of them.
“It’s okay.” Baekhyun smiles, standing up and holding his hand out. He waits until Luhan grabs it and stands up before parting his lips to continue. “Still staying at that one hotel?”
No one really acknowledges him when he walks in the hotel room with Baekhyun. The other three immediately throw themselves on him, commenting on how well he looks and ask how he’s doing. They share hugs and even cheek kisses for minutes until Baekhyun tells them to stop with a laugh. It’s when they all move to the kitchen does Luhan slip past them and walk into his bedroom.
His fingers grab one of their albums. He opens it and tugs out out the little booklet that comes with it. There’s pictures of them all throughout. Ones that they’ve gotten done professionally and others that have been taken of them on stage. For the first time, Luhan wonders if it’s all worth it.
Even leaving the band and going back to his office job wouldn’t stop the bad acts. It wouldn’t stop him from getting high on long nights and smoking weed on the walk to work. It wouldn’t stop the constant shaking and spinning that he sees. It wouldn’t erase all the terrible nights where he didn’t know what was happening or where he was. It wouldn’t erase all the times he woke up and puked on himself and laid on the bathroom floor until someone came and helped him. None of that would change, he thinks.
Luhan opens the nightstand, tugging the drawer out as far as it can go. He grabs the dark blue bag that’s shoved under the many different packs of cigarettes and condoms. His fingers act as the credit card. They shove and pull the powder until it makes a good line. One finger pushes at the side of his nose and the other grips the nightstand so he can keep his balance. It takes him a little longer than usual to finish the line off. He leans his head back and parts his lips, letting the coughs escape his throat before he closes his eyes, sniffling until the taste is out of his mouth.
it was shameful, honestly. The person he’s become is nothing short of disgusting. Luhan sits on the bed with his eyes wet and slightly red from the tears resting at the corners of his eyes. His nose is red and there’s snot coming out of one of them that he doesn’t bother to wipe at. His fingers have bits of white powder on them that disappear when he rubs his fingers against his nose, sniffling it up.
His lungs press against the edge of his skin. They make his shirt raise and it falls at a fast pace. Luhan wipes at his eyes, pressing his lips together so he doesn’t make a sound. The sounds of the others out in the main room slip under the door and into the bedroom. Luhan can hear Chanyeol laughing and then hears Sehun yelling as he laughs. They’re talking in Korean but Luhan’s brain can’t translate it. All he can hear for a while is laughter and words he can’t understand.
The door opens sometime later to show Sehun’s face. The smile tugging his lips up falls quickly. He tilts his head, walking over to Luhan, hand coming to rest on his shoulder. “Luhan? Hey, are you okay?”
Luhan nods, lips parting and a laugh coming from between them. He wipes at his eyes and sniffles, feeling slightly embarrassed from the amount of snot coming from his nose. “I finally understand why you can’t love me.” He watches as Sehun’s face contorts. He parts his lips but Luhan speaks first. “I’m a fucking train wreck.” He chokes out, saliva sticking to his lips, making thick lines connecting them like thread. “I don’t love you anymore, Sehun.” Luhan shakes his head, tears streaming down his cheeks. “How can I even love you when I’m so fucked up. All I think about is getting high or how fucking pathetic I am when I’m not. What we do,” he pauses to suck in a shaky breath, “has no place for love.”
Sehun doesn’t say anything. Luhan thinks he probably doesn’t know what to say. Or maybe he is speaking. Maybe Luhan just can’t register it anymore. Sehun could be telling him everything is okay and that he’s not a total fuck up. But Luhan hears nothing. All he hears is the beating of his heart in his ears and the sounds of his breathing.
He knows this won’t change anything tomorrow. He’ll still wake up in the middle of the night to the loud moans and the smell of weed cuddling his face. He’ll stumble upon a naked girl or guy wandering in the kitchen in the morning looking for something to eat. He’ll see a pair of the others pressed against each other when he gets out of the shower. There would still be colorful bags lining the hotel rooms. Empty cigarette packets and forgotten nights. They would never end.
In the land of sex, drugs, and rock n' roll there just might not be any place for love.
written for bottom luhan ♡